The Fear of Striking Out

I am stubborn.

A little known fact I didn't learn about myself until about eight months ago. When God wants to teach me something He normally has to smack me over the head with it and there tends to be a lot of brokenness to release my hands of the death grip I have on my life. Something I have faced is how much my actions are dictated by fear. To me, living in fear means that I am not trusting the Lord. Not trusting Him to provide and show up. I take matters into my own hands and try to maintain control of situations in my life and I end up making huge messes out of them.

In my stubborness I run so quickly and hold on so tightly to safety. Not only does this lead to fear of taking risks but also it leads to a hinderance in the love I have for the Lord. I read somewhere that to love God is to trust God. It's true...the people I love the most in my life I count as the most trustworthy, I value their opinions and their guidance knowing fully well that they have my best interest at heart. How much more then should I trust God who is above all things and is all knowing and holds my life in His hands?  Furthermore, 1 John 4:18 says that "there is no fear in love but perfect love drives out fear". If I am trusting in the His perfect love, what do I have to fear?

One of the biggest commands in the Bible is "fear not", this is a command, not a suggestion. He isn't asking me to be fearless when it's easy or when it's safe or when I can see where things in my life might be headed. Jesus constantly reminded His followers of this in the Gospels. He says in Luke 8:50 "fear not: just believe". Trust goes hand and hand with fearlessness as in this verse fear is put up against trust. I know I fear that in stepping out  He won't back me up, that things will fall through, that I will fail. As cheesey as this may be, and believe me, I know at times I can be a good ol cheese ball, but I love the movie Cinderella Story. (Yes I am making reference to this...stay with me). One of the most memorable quotes from that movie is "never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game". This gets me every time. How many times do I let my fear of striking out, of failures, of disappointment keep me from stepping out in my faith and trusting in God's providence and favor? How many times do I simply dip my toes in the water instead of taking the plunge and diving into all that He has for me and all that I have been created for? How many times do I tell God: "I am not budging until you give me clear signs of what I am to do?". Hm. Lack of trust, much? Living a life of faith, I am learning, is stepping out and taking risks even when there is a lack of clarity and certain elements of discomfort.

I am reading a book right now by Brennan Manning (surprised? I try not to limit myself to his writings but I appreciate how Biblically and theologically sound his writings are and it makes me chew a little bit harder and dive deeper in the truths that the Bible presents). This one is called The Signature of Jesus and is all about living a life of authentic faith and radical discipleship. Manning presents the element of fear like this:

"fear breeds a deadening caution, a holding back, a stagnant waiting until people no longer can recaull what they are waiting for or saving themselves for...God calls us to break camp, abandon the comfort and security of the status quo, and embark in perilous freedom" I found myself many a time stuck in stagnancy as a result of my own stubborness and lack of trust. I have told Holly, my best friend, this many times: that I have two responses when I face uncertainties and fear in my life. I have the tendency to turn and run in the other direction to get away (ha...writing this I laugh at myself, who am I to run? It just seems silly because there's no place I can run that is outside of Him so why do I even try to get away? It always has a way of coming back to me...hence these things smacking me upside the head) OR I have the tendency to be like a little brat and cross my arms and sit down and refuse to move forward. I get the vision of a three old who doesn't like what their parent is telling them to do so they simply sit and pout and refuse to respond to what is being told of them. All this was going through my mind as I kept reading and then Manning wrote

"If we refuse to keep moving and insist on signs and tangible proofs, we diminish our faith, and that means unbelief" woah. Sucker punch in the gut. Daily I am learning more and more about what it looks like to live authentic faith. I'm learning it means I cannot cling to anything. That my hands need to be completely open to Him, especially my fears which drives me to tighten my grip and attempt to maintain control.

I have to weigh my options: what's riskier? Letting go and allowing myself live the full life He longs to give me? OR sitting in my stubborness and being a spectator sidelined by my fears?

I want to step up to plate and risk striking out if it on the flip side it means I can hit the ball out of the park. The bases are loaded, the stakes are high for His kingdom is what's at hand. I want to let go of fear. I want to trust and live and love Him more. I want to be:

Recklessly Abandoned

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:33